Written by Rebecca D'Onofrio

As a meditation teacher, it never ceases to amaze me to see how many students that are new to meditation struggle with self-hatred. It’s rare that a new practitioner begins their meditation journey already having a loving, friendly, and wholesome relationship with their mind.

More often than not, it is this type of self-aggression that brings a new student to meditation; they believe there is something inherently wrong or bad about who they are and they believe that meditation will fix or change this “badness.”

But, according to Buddhism, this kind of self-aggression is a confused and mistaken habit rooted in ignorance that blocks our connection to our truest nature, which is fundamentally loving, compassionate, insightful, and wise. So how do we address this in practice?

We cannot remove our personal aggression by applying aggressive methods that try to get rid of our “bad” self — this only reinforces and solidifies the idea that we are unworthy and unlovable. In order to break this vicious cycle, we have to introduce a new method that counteracts the aggressiveness which, in this case, is metta (loving-kindness) meditation.

Metta meditation is the Buddhist antidote to self-aggression and an incredibly skillful practice to introduce to students who struggle with self-hatred. It is a process of getting to know ourselves intimately and embracing every part that we discover with care, kindness, and curiosity. It is important to learn how to make friends with all aspects of ourselves — the good, the bad, and the ugly — in order to free ourselves from self-hatred. This also forms the foundation upon which we can extend love, care, and kindness to others since we can’t give to others what we haven’t already cultivated in ourselves.

This takes time and practice. It also requires skillful support from a qualified teacher who understands how to facilitate the vulnerable journey from deep-rooted self-hatred to open-hearted self-love. If we push our students too quickly before they have fully processed the feelings, emotions, and memories that often arise from doing this kind of transformative work, it can have counterproductive impacts. In Dharma Moon’s Metta (Loving-Kindness) Meditation Teacher Training, Noel and I illuminate these issues and provide guidelines for how to work with students in this way.

The good news is that there is indeed a way to skillfully work with and counteract the effects of self-aggression. We actually don’t have to keep bullying and hating on ourselves — isn’t that a relief? But it is up to each of us to step on the metta journey and do the beautiful work that lies ahead in order to reunite with our true nature as human beings. Even better to do this in community with others on the same journey. It is possible and we can do it together.